| I havent been able to breath lately. And I havent been able to sleep during the night. Im wide awake stressing. Oh, and during the day, Im either sleeping, or stressing times ten. All my smiles lately have been a complete lie. I thought you'd notice over anyone. [sighs] Every single wall that act as a barrier are shrinking in on me and suffocating me til Im blue. I find it so hard to concentrate on some of the most important things. The little time that I do sleep is usually when Im accidently FINALLY falling to sleep when I should be getting ready for school, or in class. And when Im late for school I cause and inconvience for my mother [having her take me school]. Then she makes wrong accusations about what I think of myself and the world...i.e. Im selfish, I think the world revolves around me, and that Im a princess. She throws guilt trips like a child in a water balloon fight. And on top of no sleep, stress from running late, Im walking into school with tears flowing, and a tardy pass in hand. The tardy pass adds onto this wonderful stress level Ive been carrying around with me because I know I cant do the detention because of work. So Im sitting in class cleaning off the mascara, trying to pay attention to this teacher talking about the civil war. But all I can do while looking in my pocket mirror is wish that I wouldve stayed home, and shown myself what I felt like. Passing time, and all these people are smiling, laughing, bitching at eachother. They are jumping around. JUNGLE MUCH? Headache? Indeed. I think 'why cant killing off the stupids be legal?' Bell rings, same thing, same class, same people, same teacher, different [useless] lessons. Yet, I still push on with a sack of sighs hanging off one shoulder just pouring out ever so often. Naptime? Depends. In painting, surfing for pictures of gumball machines. Nothing special. Nothing secret. Don't give assignments in art. Just let us..be undeniabley free. I breath and breath, while my throat dries, and my voice slowly disinagrates [sp?] and I still only think. I think about my today's 'to do' list, and how Im going to be able to check everything off. Impossible, or am I just too weak and insecure to continue these tasks. I have adopted many independent qualities, but I still remain so very dependent off people. And they need to realize they still have a child-like teenager hanging off the side of their hip that they still need to consider. So when people let me down, their let down, for me is multiplied by ten. And when I get let down that much, Im obviously going to be emotional, and most people just cant except it. Mother cant understand and then expresses anger about it. Maybe its because she cant control my emotions. But I know she cant work past her own personal space, that she cant open her mind to understand that other people have hardships too, and that they are people too. ASSHOLE. I love my mom, dont get me wrong. She does a lot for me, and has sacreficed alot for me. Shes amazing. But she just has a little "ME ME ME!!" problem, that bugs the fuck out of me. Only because shes so stubborn that she cant realize that sometimes...most of the times shes wrong. She has alot of wrong perspectives, and ideas. Her punishments and her acts of repremanding are bullshit. I am afraid of my mom from time to time, because she cant control her emotions. And with her there is no upside to anger.
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I'm so tired of being let down, and not being able to control any situation. I hate the fact that I HAVE to depend on every adult in my life. I have been trying to start my life early so I could be completely satisfied sooner. But lately it feels as if life has been weighting me down without any consideration. Im helpless, yet so determined. I need advice, guidence and answers. I need people to depend on. But not this much. Im sixteen years old, a junior in highschool thats starting college courses next year along with finishing up her highschool credits. I want to get everything stress free so I can do that. The drama is overwhelming in high school. The gossip, the uneccessary crap that people pull. People dont think twice when they are in highschool. I have gone through too much to just ignore every hardship, and obcticle, and goal. I need organization. I cant live with messy people, but my rooms a pig sty. I have to sleep with noise, even when I have a headache. My maturity level has caught up on me way too fast, and Im beginning to realize a whole lot more than most people my age are realizing. GRADES GRADES GRADES are scaring the hell out of me. Im so nervous. I need the millenium or else I cant go to school. And Im not one to sit back and say "fuck it" about something so important.
I need the people that mean the most to me just to understand. And I find it impossible that they'll look past their own face and comprehend what Im going through. |
